WASHINGTON, D.C.– Fictional President Joe Biden announced to the world that a surprise retaliation on Russia will be tomorrow at 1800 sharp.
“Their dog-faced pony soldiers will have no idea it’s coming,” Biden sternly told the nation. “My generals have suggested we have our most transgendered, vaccinated platoon invade from the north. Each soldier will be dressed as a polar bear as they inch closer to the Russian Navy. When the element of surprise is most ad–adva—advant–advantonimous they will strike their basecamp. At exactly 1800.”
A reporter then asked the president how he felt about starting a war. Biden responded with, “I’m sorry, that’s classified.”
Reportedly, military leadership is still a bit shaken up that Kamala Harris was unable to prevent this war.
“We really thought Kam-Kam could smooth things out and prevent any conflict,” General Mark Milley commented. “She said she had a deep understanding of Eastern European culture and traditions, but when she got in the room with Putin, she just said, ‘It is time for peace every day, and that day is what we’ve been doing every day. Shall we screw?’”
Update: The White House is warning Americans that if we don’t have a war, gas prices could rise, and we may be at risk of losing some freedoms.
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