CHICAGO, IL – With fictional president Joe Biden being forced out of the 2024 election at gunpoint, Kamala Harris now needs to look competent–and fast. Reports are swirling that she is still diligently searching for the right person to sleep with to fix this that pesky border crisis.
On Sunday night, while campaigning in Illinois, she began visiting Chicago’s sleaziest bakeries, nail salons, and boutique stores.
“Hey, can anyone in here help me with this teensy-weensy little problem down south?” she asked while getting a pedicure. “It might be worth a little sugar!” she said, struggling to wink and eventually falling out of her chair.
“We’ve never seen a politician work this hard,” a White House staffer said. “A few of us were skeptical of her approach, but this is her tried-and-true method. Look how far it’s gotten her.”
After no luck in finding a capable man to solve her border crisis, Harris asked to be taken to the top of Sears Tower. Once on top, she asked for a bullhorn and ‘a wide berth’. Soon most of Illinois was showered with the sound of her trademark cackle.
“And now we wait,” she confidently whispered to her staff.
Update: As usual, her cackle only brought forth Anthony Weiner and Jesse Smollett.
“Unfortunately, it’s ridiculous to believe these guys will solve America’s problems in exchange for sex,” a discouraged Harris said. “Believe me, I’ve tried.”
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