CHICAGO, IL – With fictional president Joe Biden being forced out of the 2024 election at gunpoint, Kamala Harris now needs to look competent–and fast. Reports are swirling that she is still diligently searching for the right person to sleep with to fix this that pesky border crisis. On Sunday night, while campaigning in Illinois,…
Category: World & Weather
Biden Says Surprise Retaliation On Russia To Take Place Tomorrow At 1800 From The North
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Fictional President Joe Biden announced to the world that a surprise retaliation on Russia will be tomorrow at 1800 sharp. “Their dog-faced pony soldiers will have no idea it’s coming,” Biden sternly told the nation. “My generals have suggested we have our most transgendered, vaccinated platoon invade from the north. Each soldier will be dressed…
Footage Of Biden Talking About Kids Touching His Leg Hair Used To Slow Migrant Surge
EL PASO, TX–The Biden administration is still dumbfounded that the promise of free healthcare, education, and cash hasn’t slowed the surge of illegal immigrants into America. Therefore, the frustrated border control team has set up a visual deterrent to dissuade the migrants from crossing. A horrifying one. Playing on a loop, footage of Joe Biden…
Joe Biden On Global Collapse: ‘Things Would Be Different If I Were In Charge’
After accidentally waging a war on US citizens and using the military to comb the globe to search for more genders, the world has seemingly disintegrated in Joe Biden’s first term. Meanwhile, lying in the ball pit of a McDonald’s near Camp David, Joe Biden lamented the global collapse. “Things would be different if I were…
GOP Win: Budget Deal Reached Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons
WASHINGTON, DC — In what’s being called a massive win for conservatism, Liberal Mike Johnson was able to pull off the rare feat that only the 452 previous Speakers managed to do. He raised that pesky debt ceiling. “I believe our urban friends call it ‘raising the roof?’” a cocky Johnson said to mostly Democrats…