Alaskans are just now learning about the horrifying hellscape of lawless carnage the lower 48 have gotten themselves into this year. “You hear about this? Apparently, the whole world is in some kind of trouble,” a bearded Alaskan man informed his friends upon getting a brief moment of cellular service. “It sounds like the beer…
Category: World & Weather
New York Times Editor Resigns In Disgrace After Allowing Weather Section To Say It Might Be Cloudy On Friday
New York Times editor, James Bennet has resigned after he oversaw the publication run a controversial weather forecast saying that it might be cloudy on Friday. “It was a physical threat,” one reader said before canceling his subscription. “Times readers know exactly how the world should be. Socialist and 72°. News shouldn’t be allowed to challenge…
California Changes State Motto To ‘We’re Two Weeks Behind Italy’
In an effort to keep Californians in a perpetual state of fear, the state has officially changed its motto to “We’re two weeks behind Italy”. “This phrase will forever remind us to prepare for what’s happening in Italy right now,” Gavin Newsom said at the new flag’s unveiling. “From now until the day we die—which…
Democrats Rejoice After Hearing More Foreign Murderers Enter Country
For the democrat party, it’s been nothing but bad news for years. America’s lovable, scandal-free darling lost in 2016, Trump took out some of their favorite terrorists, and then they forgot to pick a nominee with a functioning brain. But it seems their luck may have finally turned. Their absolute favorite thing has happened this…
Newsom: ‘If I Had Known You Guys Were Going To Abuse The Beaches, I Never Would Have Created Them!’
On Monday, Governor Gavin Newson gave a vicious response to all his Californian peasants who dared to enjoy the beautiful coastline. Shaking with rage as he stared into a TV camera, he said the following: “If I had known you guys were going to abuse the beaches—I never would have created them!” After these remarks,…