Alaskans are just now learning about the horrifying hellscape of lawless carnage the lower 48 have gotten themselves into this year.
“You hear about this? Apparently, the whole world is in some kind of trouble,” a bearded Alaskan man informed his friends upon getting a brief moment of cellular service. “It sounds like the beer went bad, and they decided to burn down all their cities.”
The president was deeply troubled to learn the news had reached Alaska and he did his best to limit the damage via tweet:
1/2 To my GREAT state of Alaska, by now, you might be seeing that a ferocious virus is devouring everyone down here. Just know, this virus has a VERY LOW fatality rate! Similar to that of a moose attack.
2/2 Secondly, my political opponents are so mad at me; they decided to burn down their cities. BAD! Please know, I am STRONGLY considering sending in the national guard. This would be like a pack of angry polar bears descending upon some unsuspecting seals. FEAR NOT! Mostly because your houses are made of ice. SMART!
Update: The president’s advisors are encouraging him to speak normally to the Alaskan people and not attempt to use stereotypical analogies. To that, Trump promptly instructed them to ‘Eskimo kiss’ his ass.