On Monday, Governor Gavin Newson gave a vicious response to all his Californian peasants who dared to enjoy the beautiful coastline. Shaking with rage as he stared into a TV camera, he said the following: “If I had known you guys were going to abuse the beaches—I never would have created them!”
After these remarks, a press member questioned if the governor’s comments were out of line.
“Do you worry what you said violates the separation of church and state, our gracious lord? Republicans may pounce.”
“Let me rephrase this, so there’s no misunderstanding,” Newson replied. “When I came down from the golden gates on high, I set out to prepare a place for you,” he said, stretching his arms out wide. “A place where welfare and prescription drugs flow like milk and honey. And all this can be yours if you honor me. So when I say not to step foot on the hallowed ground of my shores, I mean it. I’ll have you arrested faster than you can switch genders.”
Another reporter (who would later be sentenced to death for this question) asked Newsom, “Who are you to make these overreaching proclamations?”
The governor looked down at the man and simply replied, “I am that I am.”
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