HACKETTSTOWN, NJ– As many in the candy universe expected, the large blue peanut M&M was an undercover FBI agent sent to expose the thought crimes of the lone Trump-supporting M&M, ‘Red’. “After a thorough investigation, we’ve decided to terminate Red,” Mars’ CEO announced. “He wouldn’t get vaccinated and was always listening to Dan Bongino. But we decided…

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — Former President Barack Obama revealed on his new podcast Can You Believe I’m Still Black? that he once knocked out a student who called him a racial slur. Obama told the story during a 14-hour-long, 188-part series titled “Stuff About Me From Mid-January 1978” “This racist monster turned to me and…

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a touching moment on the floor of the House of Representatives, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had the breathalyzer removed from her gavel. For years, Pelosi had been forced to blow into the device before every session, a measure put in place by the Geneva Convention in 1949 when Nancy was…

WASHINGTON, D.C — The House approved a $41 zillion aid package for Ukraine early Monday.  The Senate and Joe Biden quickly approved the bill.  The bill now heads to the Easter Bunny’s desk to be signed into law. A muffled, “Now, let me see what we got here,” was heard from the all-powerful Easter Bunny as he…

BOULDER, CO — Parents everywhere are asking famed lawyer, Sidney Powell, to stop calling their children and hyping up how great their Christmas presents will be. “Oh, these presents you’ll be unwrapping on Christmas?  I’ll just say, wear a helmet.  Because your freaking head is going to explode,” Powell told seven-year-old Elizabeth Miller.  “Yeah.  It’s…