WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a touching moment on the floor of the House of Representatives, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had the breathalyzer removed from her gavel.
For years, Pelosi had been forced to blow into the device before every session, a measure put in place by the Geneva Convention in 1949 when Nancy was in her second term. But no more. It was removed, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the chamber.
“Today marks a new beginning. No longer will we hear the sweet humming sound of the breathalyzer before ol’ Nancy gets up to screech at us,” John Boehner said while weeping. “We’ll never forget the time she disabled it and she jumped on Newt Gingrich’s back and beat his head like a spider monkey. A special day.”
Barbara Boxer then reminisced about the time the 82lb Pelosi refused to blow into the breathalyzer and instead began twirling the device around like nunchucks.
“Alright, anyone wanna vote against the majority?!” I remember her screaming before striking Jerry Nadler. She would always hit Jerry to show Republicans she meant business.”
Update: With the breathalyzer disabled, Nancy quickly grabbed the gavel and hit every last member of the House with it. Her approval rating has since skyrocketed to 98% favorability.
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