MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — Former President Barack Obama revealed on his new podcast Can You Believe I’m Still Black? that he once knocked out a student who called him a racial slur.
Obama told the story during a 14-hour-long, 188-part series titled “Stuff About Me From Mid-January 1978”
“This racist monster turned to me and called me a Doodoo head—probably the most vicious racial epithet anyone’s ever imagined,” Obama said, pretending to cry. “So I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, ‘No third-grader talks to me that way!’ Then I just slugged her right in the face. Did I nearly kill her? Well, you have to understand, I wasn’t to be messed with my junior year of high school.”
After the podcast was released, the FBI announced an aggressive manhunt for the racist child who dared to defame lord Obama.
“Yes. We must find that third grader!” Biden yelled. “I want that, or any other third grader, brought to my office immediately.”
Biden was soon confused and devastated to learn the child had probably aged since the incident.
Update: Obama has now clarified the story. “That little girl was Donald Trump. And I punched him. Me. That means I’m tough and strong. And if anybody has a problem with that, they’re going to have Michelle to deal with.”
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