ATLANTA, GA–There was some good news to report regarding a sharp decline in sex crimes and it’s too bad CNN was hardly around to report on it. “It’s the craziest thing. Our phone hasn’t rung once since CNN told their crew to stay home,” an FBI agent said. “Not sure what’s going on, but we’re seriously…
Category: Law
New York City To Ban 45% Of African Americans From Employment
As a reward for exclusively voting in Liberal Democrats, 45% of African Americans will be kindly asked to get the hell out of all New York restaurants at gunpoint. “We just need to keep our restaurants and workplaces safe, ya know?” Mayor Bill de Blasio said regarding his new segregation bill titled ‘Key to NYC’. “Some…
DOJ To Investigate White People Who Rudely Walked In Path of Darrell Brooks' SUV
On Monday’s I Can’t Reid, MSNBC host, Joy Reid floated a new theory about who’s to blame for last week’s parade tragedy. “Listen, folks, we all know how white people are. Walking around in Sketchers thinkin’ they own the streets. Then BAM!” Reid yelled, slapping her desk. “They rudely walked in the path of…
Legal Illiterate Thomas Binger Spends Night In Empty Courtroom, Unaware That He Lost
Who wants to tell him? That was the question many of the janitorial staff asked each other as they cleaned the Kenosha Courthouse Friday night. “I know I got this baby in the bag!” Binger’s claim echoed throughout the chamber. “And when Kyle inevitably files an appeal–I’ll be ready! Hello?” After spending the night in the courthouse,…
LeBron: ‘Now We Need To Worry About Getting Shot Every Time We Try To Kill Someone?’
As Americans desperately wait for the results of Joe Biden’s colonoscopy, citizens everywhere turn to famed basketball dribbler, and distinguished high school graduate, LeBron James for comment on the Rittenhouse verdict. Following an exhausting Lakers practice (Where they instilled their new defense strategy called “hands up, don’t shoot”), James issued some profound commentary on the…