Odd: Sex Crimes Sharply Plummet After CNN Closes Building Due To COVID

Odd: Sex Crimes Sharply Plummet After CNN Closes Building Due To COVID

ATLANTA, GA–There was some good news to report regarding a sharp decline in sex crimes and it’s too bad CNN was hardly around to report on it.

“It’s the craziest thing. Our phone hasn’t rung once since CNN told their crew to stay home,” an FBI agent said. “Not sure what’s going on, but we’re seriously worried about losing our jobs.”

CNN president, Jeff Zucker is calling the connection a statistical anomaly.

“Come on you guys. Statistical anomalies happen all the time. Remember election week? Like five thousand of those bad boys happened,” Zucker said. “With this new variant going around, we’re taking extreme caution. I’m canceling nearly all personnel from entering the building. Only three dozen take-your-daughters-to-work days will remain as mandatory in-person events.”

CNN’s last remaining alpha male, Brian Stelter was furious that conservative websites kept pointing out the connection:

“You know what? We outta shut those sites down,” Stelter snapped. “We outta go to their houses, look for any children and shut them down. And I’m serious too, we comb the basements and crawl spaces looking for children.”

Update: Jeffrey Toobin has enthusiastically endorsed the return to the work-from-home arrangement.

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