As Americans desperately wait for the results of Joe Biden’s colonoscopy, citizens everywhere turn to famed basketball dribbler, and distinguished high school graduate, LeBron James for comment on the Rittenhouse verdict.
Following an exhausting Lakers practice (Where they instilled their new defense strategy called “hands up, don’t shoot”), James issued some profound commentary on the not guilty verdict.
“Society is becoming so unfair, man,” James said doing a thousand-yard-stare. “After hearing the verdict, it just needs to be said; do we now have to worry about getting shot every time we try to kill someone?”
As usual, the flock of ESPN reporters surrounding James was astonished at his brilliance. Some even began kneeling to worship the thought leader lest they be fired.
“But seriously, what do I tell my three-year-old nephew when he’s old enough to riot next year?” LeBron continued. “Is he going to have to look over his shoulder when his BLM crew needs to mow down a bunch of business owners? It’s like, mind your own business!”
Update: After James alleged that Kyle Rittenhouse’s tears were nothing more than a masterful acting job, Warner Bros. decided to boot LeBron from Space Jam 3 and hire Kyle instead.
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