WASHINGTON, DC–Despite his staff telling him no crime was committed, fictional president Joe Biden is insisting Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, Amber Heard receive a pardon for pooping in the bed. “Her actions were so normal and natural–no joke. I mean c’mon man, we’ve all roll played. Jimmy Derp was Charlie and the broad was playing the chocolate factory!” Joe told…
Category: Law
Joe Biden Says 19mm Bullets Can ‘Blow Your Pharynx Clean Off’ And ‘Reverse Vasectomies’
WASHINGTON, DC – On Tuesday, fictional president Joe Biden gave Americans another graphic reminder of how badly guns can hurt one’s body. “The idea, THE IDEA that you need a militia of deer in kevlar vests to overthrow the Guantanamo military is… well, that actually sounds like a great idea, but it’s not the point, damn…
Nancy Pelosi’s Father Leads Police On High-Speed Chase Trying To Escape California
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – These days, Nancy Pelosi’s family is like her dad’s 1979 Buick Regal. A total wreck. Earlier today, California Highway Patrol was led on a six-hour, high-speed chase while trying to pull over Nancy’s father, Arthur. The 93-year-old was apparently desperate to escape California. “Arthur was going over 120mph while screaming, ‘I…
'Yeah, But I Thought He Was A Dog Groomer' Judge Jackson Says Over 21 Times In Confirmation Hearing
WASHINGTON, D.C.— During her confirmation hearing, Judge Ketajilkjxfg Brown Jackson brilliantly side-stepped all criticism for not punishing child abusers by claiming she thought the convicted men were all ‘dog groomers.’ “Ms. Jackson, can you explain why you only gave a Tallahassee man five days of community service for conducting the grooming of over fifty-five children…
Covid Attacks Obama, Charged With Hate Crime
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MS–The approval rating for Covid-19 dropped sharply among Democrats Sunday after it was learned their favorite little buddy viciously attacked their other favorite little buddy, Barack Hussein Obama. Thankfully, science tells us that jail bars are close enough together to keep the Covid bug who did this locked up because the Massachusetts District Attorney…