SAN FRANCISCO, CA – These days, Nancy Pelosi’s family is like her dad’s 1979 Buick Regal. A total wreck.
Earlier today, California Highway Patrol was led on a six-hour, high-speed chase while trying to pull over Nancy’s father, Arthur. The 93-year-old was apparently desperate to escape California.
“Arthur was going over 120mph while screaming, ‘I can’t take this hell hole anymore. Which way is Florida?’ out his window,” an officer said. “In classic Pelosi fashion, he had no idea which way he was going. Had he been pointed east, he would’ve been to Nevada in under ten minutes.”
During the car chase, Arthur shot at police cars, flattened two dozen pedestrians, and called fellow motorists ‘pansy ass’ before crashing his Buick into a school for the blind.
“Dad’s lucky the only thing he did illegal in California was the ‘pansy ass’ comment,” Pelosi informed. “We’ll never let him go to a less progressive state. That wouldn’t be safe.”
The incident comes just days after Nancy’s husband was caught behind the wheel after snorting a cocktail of bath salts, anti-depressants, and MyPillow stuffing. The note he wrote reading ‘Goodbye world. I can’t take one more second of the stupid, old, Skeletor-looking [explicit], and her dentures!’ still have authorities puzzled about what he was trying to say.
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