WASHINGTON, DC–Despite his staff telling him no crime was committed, fictional president Joe Biden is insisting Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, Amber Heard receive a pardon for pooping in the bed.
“Her actions were so normal and natural–no joke. I mean c’mon man, we’ve all roll played. Jimmy Derp was Charlie and the broad was playing the chocolate factory!” Joe told his action figures believing it was the press. “I hereby, by the power invested in me by Corn Pop, fully pardon that woman. May her criminal record be as clean as her sheets!”
Administration officials were relieved that Joe’s comments were only made to his toys, but things changed once they saw Joe also became relieved. This time in a planter box in front of the White House.
“No, the president is allowing this sorta thing now!” Biden yelled as staffers lifted and carried him away by his elbows. “Dropping a grumpy is now protected speech!”
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