NEW YORK, NY–As many expected, devoted Catholic, Joe Biden abolished abortion in his first term. Naturally, all Planned Parenthood locations are making a last-ditch effort to bank cash with a ‘buy one, get one free’ sale. “After the awful SCOTUS decision, I feel we need to get back to norms and storm the Capitol,” Planned Parenthood…

SANTA BARBARA, CA–On Monday, California scuba diver, Richard McDoofis’ shark cage malfunctioned and he was sadly torn limb from limb by a mostly peaceful Great White Shark. Perhaps the saddest part is that the death was unnecessary. Several children were spotted twelve miles from the accident building sandcastles.  Totally shark cageless. Naturally, this recklessness caused McDoofis’…

ANDOVER, MA– Vaccine hesitant?  Well, that’s probably because you’ve not heard the latest offer.  On Monday, Pfizer announced their most aggressive and generous deal yet: One free pacemaker with every booster shot.  “Big pharma believes people should make decisions about what goes into their body by how cool the free gift is,” CEO Albert Bourla…

CHICAGO, IL– Chicagoans who are still terrified of COVID were thrilled to see their entire city shut down Tuesday. As it turns out, it was not an official stay-at-home order, but rather a PSA poster of Mayor Lori Lightfoot that apparently scared everyone indoors. “I own a restaurant and after I saw those posters I told…