CHICAGO, IL– Chicagoans who are still terrified of COVID were thrilled to see their entire city shut down Tuesday. As it turns out, it was not an official stay-at-home order, but rather a PSA poster of Mayor Lori Lightfoot that apparently scared everyone indoors.
“I own a restaurant and after I saw those posters I told all my employees to stay home,” 48-year-old, Jacob Quinn said. “I got COVID, I’m double vaxxed and boosted, but I’m way too scared of getting exposed to that face. I heard your eyes burn if you look directly at it.”
The large picture of Lightfoot’s face has transformed Chicago into a ghost town, and filmmakers from Planet Earth have moved in to document the desolated area.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” a producer commented. “The earth is trying to heal, but Lightfoot’s face is somehow preventing natural things like the greenhouse effect, and normal carbon dioxide levels. Earlier, I saw some buffalo coming to reclaim this part of Illinois, but once they got a glance at that poster, they snorted and suffered seizures before fleeing.”
The Mayor, who was once famously forced to enter solitary confinement after vowing to only talk to people who looked like her, spoke angrily about the impromptu lockdown.
“I will repeat, we are NOT in a lockdown! Please reengage in normal activity!” she said as her tongue flickered. “Stop acting so afraid of seeing my face! Those who’ve seen it are largely asymptomatic anyway. Have I ever done anything this cruel and insensitive as mayor?”
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