NEW YORK, NY–As many expected, devoted Catholic, Joe Biden abolished abortion in his first term. Naturally, all Planned Parenthood locations are making a last-ditch effort to bank cash with a ‘buy one, get one free’ sale.
“After the awful SCOTUS decision, I feel we need to get back to norms and storm the Capitol,” Planned Parenthood CEO, Alexis Johnson said. “If we don’t kill children, we’ll all lose our jobs and have to work at Enterprise Rent-a-car. Seriously, that’s where all the Twitter censors work now. And killing at Enterprise is almost totally frowned upon. But in the meantime, everyone please take advantage of our BOGO sale. These savings won’t last long unless we can rough up Gorsuch later this week.”
Elizabeth Warren was also furious with the news.
“The constitution guarantees abortions!” She yelled. “Citizens have a right to privacy! So if you want to kill someone, that’s between the murderer and the person they’re trying to kill. None of our beeswax.”
Update: Planned Parenthood’s business model is now to send all born children to war.
[This headline was authored by Tucker Carlson’s son, @alexstein99. AKA: Prime Time #99]
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