ANDOVER, MA– Vaccine hesitant? Well, that’s probably because you’ve not heard the latest offer.
On Monday, Pfizer announced their most aggressive and generous deal yet: One free pacemaker with every booster shot.
“Big pharma believes people should make decisions about what goes into their body by how cool the free gift is,” CEO Albert Bourla said during his 2 AM infomercial on CNN. “As you know, our motto is: ‘We’d Kill For Profit,’ and this deal is to die for! So hurry, this special offer will only last until every person has agreed to take our product in perpetuity!”
The free pacemaker is considered a brilliant move as research shows many Americans are ‘terrified their heart will explode.’
“This is classic heart exploding hesitancy caused by people like Tucker Carlson,” a flustered Dr. Fauci said. “Acutemyocaboomies are super common for professional athletes in their twenties! Science says so because I say so!”
Update: Bill Gates has offered to head up the manufacturing of the pacemakers, and recipients should expect excellent cellular service and a long wire connecting them to his Seattle compound.
[@DistefaD Contributed To This Article. Follow Him On Twitter!]
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