CAMBRIDGE, MS— On Thursday, Elizabeth Warren gave moving words about the 120-car pile-up on Massachusetts’ Interstate 95. “What we want on our freeways is safety, and thankfully, that’s what we’re witnessing. Frankly, this is an incredible act of love,” Warren softly said. “When vehicles began crashing into each other, and bodies started flying everywhere, I…
Category: Health
Homosexuality Banned After Linkage To Monkeypox
Welp—that’s a wrap for homosexuality. That’s what the little-known Monkeypox task force run by Mike Pence informed the globe on Monday. The move came after the ape-like virus made its way to the USA and President Donald Trump called for a “complete and total shutdown of gay people until we find out what the hell…
Report: Democrats Working On ‘Ultimate Gender,’ A Gender That Encompasses All Genders
BERKELEY, CA– Since there aren’t any problems to speak of in America, prominent Democrats have been hard at work creating ‘Ultimate Gender,’ a gender that combines all known genders like at the end of every Power Rangers episode. “With Ultra MAGA lurking, we felt we needed to build the swiss army knife of genitalia,” Pete…
Joe Biden Urges All Women To Wear Condoms While They Figure Out Roe
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the recent Supreme Court decision, America is facing so many unknowns. Can the government make you raise a child? What is a uterus? Who are we allowed to kill? No one knows any of this stuff anymore. So, while Democrats are figuring out Roe vs. Wade, Joe Biden is urging all women to wear condoms. “When I…
Pfizer Boasts New Birth Control Pill For Men Has 100% Effectiveness
ANDOVER, MA– On Thursday, Pfizer announced it had concluded Phase 3 of clinical trials on their new pill, DaCocknbaulz, a revolutionary new drug designed to prevent males from becoming pregnant. The oral medication has proven to be 100% effective, a first in the pharmaceutical industry. “Yep. Once this pill is distributed, we can guarantee you…