Welp—that’s a wrap for homosexuality.
That’s what the little-known Monkeypox task force run by Mike Pence informed the globe on Monday. The move came after the ape-like virus made its way to the USA and President Donald Trump called for a “complete and total shutdown of gay people until we find out what the hell is going on.”
“When COVID was being spread via businesses, we shut down businesses. I don’t see why Monkeypox should be treated any differently,” Pence said. “I know the timing couldn’t be worse with the new Top Gun movie coming out, but this is serious. All gays will be dressed in generic Costco clothing, which will help stop the spread. It’s well known Costco clothes are the facemask of homosexual activity. Stops it dead in its tracks.”
As soon as tomorrow, all homosexuals will be enrolled in a fourteen-hour online conversion therapy course that consists of Clint Eastwood growling, grumbling, and muttering, “You make me sick.”
The news was devastating enough for the gay community, but it’s particularly difficult after Mike Pence called it ‘forbidden.’
Reportedly, Mike Pence is not considering a compromise where gay people can make love with plexiglass in-between.
Update: The ban appears to be working. Celine Dion’s album sales have flatlined, and Lindsey Graham has lost his entire constituency.
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