In an embarrassing snafu, the Democrat Party accidentally hired all Democrats to count the votes of Monday’s Iowa caucus. Naturally, they all failed to show up for work. “It was supposed to be a night where all the hard work paid off for Democrats,” Fox’s Bret Baier reported. “But because ‘hard work’ was part…
Category: Elections
Warren Vows to Give Bisexual Miniature Horse Veto Power Over Secretary of Labor Pick
Speaking at an event in Cedar Rapids this week, Elizabeth Warren said: “For my Secretary of Labor, I insist on the input from someone with hooves. I think that’s obvious. And secondly, I no longer care what cisgender people think. I don’t trust ‘em,” she announced to a stunned Iowa crowd. “Now, that narrows it…
Joe Rogan Admits He Was “Absolutely Wasted” When Endorsing Bernie Sanders
A sober Joe Rogan is now admitting he had smoked an “entire fanny pack” of marijuana shortly before endorsing Senator Bernie Sanders. For the older readers of The Glorious American, marijuana is a name sometimes used to describe the sticky icky devil lettuce. Rogan addressed his embarrassing blunder on a recent podcast. “Before I begin,…
DNC Reminds Pete Buttigieg to Stop Giggling Every Time He Hears the Word ‘Caucus’
Earlier this week Mayor Pete Buttigieg had to again be reminded to stop giggling when he hears the word ‘caucus’. “We feel we’ve been very clear on this with Mr. Buttigieg,” DNC Chairman Tom Perez told The Glorious American. “But when an audience member’s question contained the word ‘caucus’ and the Mayor interrupted her by…
Bloods to Absorb the Yang Gang
The fellas over at the Bloods have announced they are finalizing a deal to absorb Andrew Yang’s followers, known as: The Yang Gang. As membership in the Bloods dwindles and Andrew Yang’s candidacy has stalled, the Blood’s head recruiter, Lil’ Cruiter, approached Yang to discuss the acquisition. “I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled to lose…