Speaking at an event in Cedar Rapids this week, Elizabeth Warren said: “For my Secretary of Labor, I insist on the input from someone with hooves. I think that’s obvious. And secondly, I no longer care what cisgender people think. I don’t trust ‘em,” she announced to a stunned Iowa crowd. “Now, that narrows it down to Lena Dunham and Trixie, the bisexual miniature horse. And I CHOOSE TRIXIE!” Warren exclaimed to a completely shocked audience.
“You’re that impressed, huh? Yep, I’m THAT progressive, you guys!” she explained to the silent gymnasium.
Trixie, who will press charges if not referred to by the pronouns “Ze/Hir”, will have a significant role in a Warren administration and is rumored to be high on the shortlist of potential Supreme Court Justices.
Update: Twitter erupted with outrage after it was discovered Trixie was white. Naturally, Warren has withdrawn the offer. “Arrangements for the dumb beast to be made into glue are being made,” the Warren campaign announced.