BURBANK, CA–When the Walt Disney studios green-lit another chapter to the popular Indiana Jones franchise, they knew audiences needed the most spectacular adventure yet. Not only has Disney delivered a story arc that will leave audiences both astonished and mystified, but the latest film is also guaranteed to be far superior to any that came…
Category: Elections
Democrats Seek To Ban Men Competing Against Women In Presidential Elections
WASHINGTON, DC — Presidential candidates whose biological sex assigned at birth was male would be barred from competing in all future elections against biological females, Democrats proclaimed in a new bill. Early Monday, House Democrats authored H.R.8398, better known as the “Toss Out The Junk Act,” which they claim will make presidential results more…
NEW PLAN: Democrats Propose Vote-By-Raccoon
WASHINGTON, DC – After getting their stupid fat butts kicked by Donald Trump again, Democrats’ new preferred method of voting will now be vote-by-raccoon. Critics are saying handing your ballot to a rodent for processing is unreliable, but this concern is being dismissed as another wild conspiracy theory. “The idea that America’s wonderful raccoon population…
Arizonans Received Little ‘I Tried To Vote, But They Ran Out Of Ballots, And Someone Said They’d Call Me Later’ Stickers
PINAL CO., AZ-– Part of living in the modern, technologically sophisticated world is understanding that counting ballots will take longer in 2024 than it did in 1951. And sometimes, when entire counties forget to bring enough ballots, they pass out handy little “I Tried To Vote, But They Ran Out Of Ballots, And Someone Said…
New Voting Machines Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like
MARICOPA COUNTY, AZ — Exciting new ballot-receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the upcoming election. The newest feature is a small but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a Democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for Democrats,” said the inventor of the…