MARICOPA COUNTY, AZ — Exciting new ballot-receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the upcoming election. The newest feature is a small but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a Democrat.
“We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for Democrats,” said the inventor of the CovfefeCount5000. “We’re providing a great service. Some newer models will even rob the voter and call them a racist.”
“I always hear that Democrats care about regular guys like me,” a voter said after using the new machine. “So I selected my local democrat, and the screen asked me, ‘ARE YOU SURE?’ I pressed ‘continue,’ and then suddenly, I heard a small explosion, and my left thigh started to feel warm. I was bleeding. Damn, that hurt. It was like a glimpse into the future had I voted for that Democrat. So I switched my vote to the Republican.”
Update: Because of these innovations, CovfefeCount5000 Inc. is set to replace many Dominion voting machines throughout the nation. Furious about losing so many contracts, Dominion Inc. released the following statement:
“Total bull s***! People have no idea how hard Dominion works on election nights! Well, actually, about 53% of people know. But anyway, sure, their machine can deliver a wound, but our system can connect to Venezuela and provide results in about a week, assuming payment clears.”
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