WASHINGTON, DC – After getting their stupid fat butts kicked by Donald Trump again, Democrats’ new preferred method of voting will now be vote-by-raccoon.
Critics are saying handing your ballot to a rodent for processing is unreliable, but this concern is being dismissed as another wild conspiracy theory.
“The idea that America’s wonderful raccoon population cannot be trusted to deliver the will of the people is preposterous,” Pelosi said. “They will warm our hearts as they scamper door to door collecting only Democrat ballots—I mean the ballots.”
Dr. Fauci has also endorsed the new way of voting. “I have looked at the data, and besides concerns from real scientists, Americans interacting with wild, rabies-filled raccoons is among the healthiest activities possible,” the brilliant doctor informed.
Many Republicans are pointing out that all raccoons are Democrats. “They sleep all day and steal at night!” Rep Matt Gaetz yelled slapping the table. “Our founding fathers would have never allowed a vote-by-raccoon system! Eagles, maybe! But never raccoons!”
Mitt Romney addressed the controversy by saying he thinks the president’s vote-by-raccoon idea is ‘another stupid idea from a stupid man’. But when he was informed that it was actually the Democrats’ proposal he quickly reversed course saying, “Actually, I’ve always said, let the critters run the show next mid-terms! Why is Trump acting so immature again?!”
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