Gary Booker of Fredericksburg, Texas was detained by local authorities early this week for suggesting the United States of America consider ‘turning the economy back on.’ Witnesses tell The Glorious American that Gary was saying hysterical things like, “We can’t just all not work for 30 weeks,” and “We’re going to have a 60% unemployment…
Category: Economic
Trump Works Hard To Grant Americans $1,200 Checks, Dems Working Harder To Tax Checks At 65%
Donald Trump wants to write checks to Americans struggling to get through the coronavirus crisis, but democrats claim that violates their strict policy of hoarding all the nation’s money for themselves. Within minutes of the stimulus announcement, House Democrats began hopping around the capital building like the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz with anticipation…
Obama Tearfully Applauds Coronavirus For Making Everyone Look Unemployed
Last week, a tearful Obama praised the dreaded coronavirus for accomplishing something he tried his hardest to do himself: Make everyone unemployed. Technically, nearly all Americans have full employment. But as Obama put it, “Yeah, but they’re looking like I’d always hoped,” he said choking up with emotion. “Ya know, there’s takers and there’s…
Biden Stops By Factory To Give T-Shirts To Valuable Blue-Collar Voters
This week, Joe Biden made a delightful visit with some Detroit autoworkers. “Go ahead—ask me anything!” Biden said with a grin. “Why do you oppose the second amendment?” a worker asked. “YOU RAT BASTARD!” Joe yelled as he leaped forward to strangle the man. After staffers pulled Biden off the man, he attempted to continue…
Sanders Campaign Immediately Hires Brian Williams After Epic Math Fail
After Brian Williams demonstrated such a poor understanding of basic math, officials from the Sanders campaign called NBC News and immediately extended a handsome offer. “I must have him,” Bernie told The Glorious American. “But because we’re in the middle of the campaign we only have $110,000 remaining for staff. So I offered him $640,000,…