First-Ever International NBA Finals Means National Anthem Will Be Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”

First-Ever International NBA Finals Means National Anthem Will Be Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”

A little known NBA rule states that, in the event of an international Finals matchup, the national anthem will be “Ironic,” the 1995 hit by Canadian singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette. Understanding the public doesn’t want to sit through two separate national anthems, a 1995 game operations committee decided “Ironic” was the only song that truly captured…

Bernie Updates His Label To “Democratic Socialist Who-Won’t-Flatten-You-With-Government-Vehicle”

Bernie Updates His Label To “Democratic Socialist Who-Won’t-Flatten-You-With-Government-Vehicle”

This morning Senator Bernie Sanders was forced to expand his label from “Democratic Socialist“ to “Democratic Socialist who-won’t-flatten-you-with-government-vehicle.” When reached for comment, Sanders explained, “There is so much misinformation about what I stand for! Making this simple clarification should reassure my belief that NO American should be mowed over with a vehicle!” Despite Sanders’ statement,…

Seattle Man Found With 8 lbs. Of Heroin In Plastic Bag, Arrested For Possession Of Plastic Bag

Seattle Man Found With 8 lbs. Of Heroin In Plastic Bag, Arrested For Possession Of Plastic Bag

On Tuesday, Seattle man Zach McGuire was arrested for possession of a plastic bag. McGuire was brazenly using the bag in broad daylight to carry his roughly eight pounds of heroin. Because Seattleites know plastic bags pose the largest threat to their beautiful city, concerned citizens, including several drug dealers, called the police immediately. “What…