Improper Twerking technique presents the gravest threat to the United States, according to a recent report from the Central Intelligent Agency. In the report, alarming levels of citizens in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s are either not proficient in twerking or worse, they don’t know what it is and assume it’s the sound a dying bird makes.
“Get that rear end up, Nicholas! Higher! We need you ready for battle,” A CIA agent screamed to a twerking amateur. “I’m serious, there’s tough competition at this year’s Battle of the Bulge down at The Manhole. We need every citizen ready!”
Closed-minded critics are suggesting that the CIA should go back to focusing on national security threats and stop with woke virtue signaling.
“We simply can’t be distracted with national defense at this time,” former CIA director John Brennan said. “Do you know where America ranks in the UN’s annual Work Ya Twerk contest? Do you know? Sixth. SIXTH! America is in real danger here. We believe countries like Papua New Guinea should not be beating us in this erotic dance. It’s a travesty.”
Like many issues, Americans are split on the CIA’s aggressive quest to win all domestic and international twerking contests.
“Wait, I have to wear a mask and have excellent form…shaking my butt at people?” a Republican voter asked.
“You would if you care about this country!” a progressive CIA agent screamed back before bursting into tears.