Washington, D.C. – Walking arm and arm, Kevin McCarthy and Chuck Schumer approached the microphone to thoroughly reject the idea that a “uniparty” exists in American politics. “Folks, believe us when we say there’s simply no such thing as a ‘uniparty,’” McCarthy began. “Rest assured; both Republicans and Democrats will squash this conspiracy theory. Even…
Category: U.S. News
Trying To Keep Pace With Vivek, Chris Christie Also Releases Shirtless Tennis Video
TRENTON, NJ – Every good campaign demands two things. One, a video showing the candidate awkwardly pointing at objects while strolling through a factory wearing a hard hat, and two, footage of white-hot, sexy, half-nude tennis playing. After Vivek aroused the nation with a video of himself playing shirtless tennis earlier this week, the Christie…
Portland Homeless Threaten Strike If Dietary Needs Aren’t Met
The homeless of Portland, Oregon, have officially threatened city officials with a strike if their dietary needs aren’t met. In a strongly worded piece of cardboard to Mayor Ted Wheeler’s office, their demands were made clear: “We are SICK AND TIRED of being handed breakfast sandwiches PACKED with carbs and sodium. We WILL NO LONGER…
Report: Joe Biden Presidency Just Elaborate 'Wanna Get Away' Southwest Ad
DALLAS, TX – As many suspected, the entire Joe Biden presidency was concocted by the marketing department over at Southwest Airlines. The commercial, nearing completion, will showcase a comical montage of the US economy collapsing, the vanquished energy sector, and poopy-pants Biden looking confused. Then the signature, “Wanna Get Away?” voice-over we all love so much,…
White House Spins Food Shortage As ‘The Joe Biden Diet’
WASHINGTON, D.C.–If you think a national food shortage could be a problem, you’re probably setting up folding chairs and the refreshment table for your local Qanon meeting at this very moment. At least, that’s what the White House is saying. After most Americans noticed the empty shelves in their local grocery store, this administration unveiled…