On Tuesday, House Democrats pushed through new legislation banning assault trampolines by a vote of 240-190. To some Americans, it may be news to hear that all trampolines purchased before 2001 do not have a safety net and are considered deadly assault trampolines. “These weapons will show no mercy and should be taken off our…
Category: U.S. News
To Combat Food Safety Concerns, Chipotle Will Now Squirt Purell on Your Meal
In an effort to combat their ongoing food safety concerns, Chipotle is now giving each meal a dollop of Purell. The restaurant chain believes that mixing in the hand sanitizer will be a huge win-win. “Not only should the Purell kill off the lethal bacteria, it will offer the piercing alcohol taste many burritos are…
Hillary Still Getting Caught With Bernie’s 2016 Delegates
Hillary Clinton and the DNC would like to move on from their well-publicized rigging of the 2016 primaries. However, authorities in Chappaqua keep catching Hillary with Bernie Sanders’ delegates. Around 6am last Wednesday, police stopped Clinton’s car. “She began acting a bit more unlikable than usual,” said Officer Sean McFaul. “I was trying to talk…
Democrats Furious About Question #9 In Upcoming Census
The Trump administration has released its questions for the 2020 Census, and House Democrats are furious about question #9. The question asks, “Are you a terrorist?” “This is outrageous,” said Nancy Pelosi. “That is a deliberate misuse of the census and a total violation of the terrorist’s privacy. Terrorists are already weighed down with unfair…
In-N-Out To Portland? Burger Chain Interviewing Northwest Cows.
Portlanders are abuzz with the rumor that the ultra-popular In-N-Out Burger chain might be coming to the Rose City. Several sources within the restaurant tell The Glorious American they’ve sent some of their top chefs to Portland area to interview local cows. “In-N-Out requires a special cow,” said chief Ingredient expert Mark Spink. “Everyone knows…