That was fast. After doctors voiced concerns that COVID-19 might lead to erectile dysfunction, only forty-two seconds passed before a team of exhausted men ran to a microphone announcing they had discovered the vaccine. Holding a beaker filled with a blue liquid, a doctor yelled, “Done! We did it,” before throwing it back into his…
Category: U.S. News
Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants Joe Biden The Presidency As He Bravely Battles Dementia
After the Make-A-Wish Foundation learned presidential candidate, Joe Biden was bravely battling dementia, the organization decided to grant him one wish. Joe immediately wished for a cheeseburger but his wife, Jill insisted on redirecting the wish. After a small amount of paperwork, the nation was alerted that Joe Biden has been granted the presidency of…
Disaster Looming? Supercuts Predicts A Terrifying Shortage Of Chairs
Should America navigate out of the coronavirus crisis, we may find ourselves in an even bigger catastrophe. “The shortage of chairs our models are forecasting will be a nightmare of biblical proportions,” Supercuts CEO, Steve Price told The Glorious American. “It’s not just that people will be standing around the strip malls waiting, it’s that…
$10 Billion Stimulus Check To Save US Postal Service Lost In The Mail
As many predicted, the United States Postal Service has lost their $10 billion stimulus check in the mail. “Oh, here it is!” mailman, Herb Dover said holding up an oversized Bed Bath & Beyond coupon. “Awe, [Explicit] never mind. Now where did I put that…” he muttered as he dug through his truck. Herb, a…
Amazing! Woman Wins Heated Facebook Debate Using Only Emojis
Over the weekend, Carly Reynolds of Kennesaw, Georgia pulled off what experts are calling the greatest moment on the internet since Al Gore invented it. Carly amazingly won a heated political Facebook debate by using nothing but emojis. After Carly shared a meme of Vince Vaughn saying “Lock it up!” some of her old co-workers…