Should America navigate out of the coronavirus crisis, we may find ourselves in an even bigger catastrophe. “The shortage of chairs our models are forecasting will be a nightmare of biblical proportions,” Supercuts CEO, Steve Price told The Glorious American. “It’s not just that people will be standing around the strip malls waiting, it’s that they’ll look terrible.”
“We didn’t sign up for this!” wept long-time stylist, Donna Burton when asked for comment. “If we’re all forced to come in, that would mean we can’t gossip about the one girl not working that day! WE CAN’T WORK IN THAT CRUEL ENVIRONMENT!”
As each Supercuts location braces for the avalanche of customers, hair care experts worry there might not be enough Katy Perry songs to fill the demand.
Should Supercuts get as busy as predicted, stylists may be instructed to save time by not telling each customer all about their exes. “But we’ve not made any decision on that,” The CEO assured. “Our gals live for taking passive-aggressive shots at their exes. If we take that away, why are we even in this business at all, right?”
Thankfully, these Supercuts models are predicting minimal deaths, but dozens of ears will be lost.