In a stunning compromise, the GOP has surrendered America’s right to bear arms for a chance to remain on Twitter and Facebook. President Trump inked the deal on Friday and all guns will be rounded up early next week. “Yeah, I mean… sometimes you have to take the best deal on the table,” remarked President…
Category: U.S. News
Mitch McConnell: ‘Americans No Longer Like Trump, Freedom, Sex’
Say what you will about Mitch McConnell, but the man has his finger on the pulse of your average American. On Tuesday, McConnell explained that Donald Trump is actually no longer popular because, “well, just turn on the news for goodness sake,” he said on the Senate floor. “If my memory serves, Donald Trump never…
“We’ve Seen Enough!” Fox News Calls Georgia For Democrats With 0.2% Votes In
After seeing 0.2% of votes, the crew over at Fox News was able to clock out early. Four minutes after the Georgia Senate polls opened, the highly brilliant and capable FNC decision desk made the call. “Folks, we’ve just seen an avalanche of data,” Bill Hemmer informed. “My sister’s old roommate lives in Atlanta and…
Nancy Pelosi Bans Terms ‘Skeletor’ And ‘Dingbat’ From House Floor
Nancy Pelosi unveiled a new change to House rules on Friday, highlighted by the complete ban of the terms ‘Skeletor’ and ‘dingbat’. “As we know, the House under my leadership is a well-oiled machine delivering for the American people,” Pelosi said. “That said, I feel a larger percentage of people are always muttering the words…
AOC Declares All Carpet Racist After Tripping Incident
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been on a media blitz ever since some racist carpet viciously attacked her in her D.C. home. “I was just walking in my apartment and then suddenly, my upper half began hurtling towards the ground,” AOC told Chuck Todd. “I thought, ‘I’m 100% sure this is global warming, probably’. But then WHAM!…