SEATTLE, WA — Much like every proclamation he made about the coronavirus, Dr. Anthony Fauci probably wants a do-over with his ceremonial first pitch for both the National and Mariners. The CDC has now deemed the pitches, which killed two and injured four, twice as deadly as the novel coronavirus. They also mentioned they weren’t surprised he…
Category: Sports News
Officer Mistakenly Deploys LeBron James At Suspect
MARYLAND–A Baltimore policeman is learning the hard way that just because each officer is given a standard-issue LeBron James to handle all crime, they must be extremely careful on how they use it. “I swear, I thought it was my gun,” a rattled officer Davis said. “It all happened so fast. A middle-school girl demanded…
Dr. Fauci Leaves NIH To Move Goal Posts For The NFL
WASHINGTON, DC— Dr. Fauci’s days of frustrating Americans with his ever-changing criteria for re-opening the nation are over. He has decided to take his goal post moving skills to the NFL, The Glorious American has learned. “We’re always on the lookout for talent, and we welcome him with open arms. Unless he says outstretching one’s…
AOC Asks Brittney Griner To Check And See If She’s In Imaginary Jail Cell
WASHINGTON, DC — During Saturday’s Instagram live session, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wondered aloud if imprisoned WNBA player Brittney Griner was being detained in an imaginary jail cell and handcuffs. “Do you guys remember when I was wrestled to the ground by the police, and I was screaming, ‘I can’t breathe’ and ‘don’t touch my booty’ like…
Oops: WNBA’s ‘Missing’ Brittney Griner Has Been Playing In League All Year
Phoenix, AZ – Well, this is awkward. It seems ‘missing’ WNBA player Brittney Griner was not being held in a Russian jail cell. Rather, she was playing center for the Phoenix Mercury all season. Due to record-setting disinterest in WNBA basketball, no one realized this until Tuesday. Griner, who’s not that bright, unknowingly attended BG…