SEATTLE, WA — Much like every proclamation he made about the coronavirus, Dr. Anthony Fauci probably wants a do-over with his ceremonial first pitch for both the National and Mariners.
The CDC has now deemed the pitches, which killed two and injured four, twice as deadly as the novel coronavirus. They also mentioned they weren’t surprised he threw to the far left.
“I was trying to take the ball and flatten the curve, but I guess I flattened that woman’s face,” Fauci said grinning. “Oh well, nothing I say or do has any real-world consequences anyways, so no harm was done!” he said skipping off to his next photo op.
Moments before Fauci’s throw, the people he would soon hit asked if they should wear a safely helmet. “Absolutely not. At this juncture, a helmet is unnecessary,” the doctor informed. However, immediately after striking them with the baseball, Fauci screamed, “What?! Why weren’t these people wearing safety helmets?!”
Update: Dr. Fauci did not have to live with guilt for long as the deaths from his pitch were ruled to have been caused by COVID.
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