WASHINGTON, DC— Dr. Fauci’s days of frustrating Americans with his ever-changing criteria for re-opening the nation are over. He has decided to take his goal post moving skills to the NFL, The Glorious American has learned.
“We’re always on the lookout for talent, and we welcome him with open arms. Unless he says outstretching one’s arms is unsafe,” NFL Commissioner Rodger Goodell said in an announcement. “In terms of moving goal posts, we’ve never seen anything like him. First, he said we needed to flatten the curve to be sure the hospitals aren’t overrun, and then BOOM! We’ve got to wait for a vaccine. There’s not a better goal post mover in America. We’re thrilled to have him.”
Dr. Fauci is reportedly happy to leave the world of fake medicine and sign a huge contract with the NFL.
“I can’t wait to get out on the field. If I can exasperate kickers as much as I’ve exasperated small business owners, I think I’ll do a great job,” the doctor said. “Plus, I’ve been stealing Dr. Birx’s scarfs, and they said I can use those if there’s a flag on the play. And trust me, I’ll be throwing a lot of flags. Have you seen how well I can throw a baseball?“
Update: After reviewing Dr. Fauci’s guidelines, the NFL is now worried they will not begin the season until after ‘phase 32’ is complete.
When the NFL explained that Fauci’s paycheck will not be given until after each game he works, the wise doctor screamed, “Actually, we can re-open the game right now! The science has changed!”
“Look at him go. Moving the ol’ goal post again. The best in the biz,” Rodger Goodell whispered in admiration.
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