CAMBRIDGE, MA — Darryl Philbin, a warehouse manager in Scranton, has been hired by Elizabeth Warren to teach her the slang for black people The Glorious American has learned. According to Warren’s staff, internal polling shows African Americans list only scuba diving and mayonnaise as more terrifying than the Massachusetts Senator. That needs to change,…
Category: Pop Culture
Brian Stelter And Jeffrey Toobin Launch Podcast Called ‘Spud & Tug’
ATLANTA, GA—The Centers for Disease Control is asking Americans to brace for a new podcast from Brian Stelter and Jeffrey Toobin called Spud & Tug. The show, which features the tagline: ‘No Podcast Probes Deeper,’ is being hyped as the go-to spot for both impotent and sexually frustrated beta males everywhere. “Sometimes Michelle lets me listen…
As Political Life Ends, Liz Cheney Offers To Pose For Maxim
CHEYENNE, WY— Liz Cheney, known for her keen ability to read a room, is offering to pose for Maxim Magazine following her narrow, 86-point primary defeat last night. “I poured my life into representing the stupid Republicans of Wyoming, and this is how these idiots repay my generosity?” Cheney eloquently shrieked to her dad’s friends…
BREAKING: Biden Insists On Pardoning Amber Heard For Pooping In Bed
WASHINGTON, DC–Despite his staff telling him no crime was committed, fictional president Joe Biden is insisting Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, Amber Heard receive a pardon for pooping in the bed. “Her actions were so normal and natural–no joke. I mean c’mon man, we’ve all roll played. Jimmy Derp was Charlie and the broad was playing the chocolate factory!” Joe told…
Will Smith To Be Sent To Live With Auntie And Uncle In Bel-Air
Las Vegas, NV— After Will Smith flipped-turned Chris Rock’s face upside down at the Oscars, his parents are demanding he move into his Auntie and Uncle’s house in Bel-Air. Moments before the slap heard ’round the world, Chris Rock gave a moving speech about how black-on-black crime is a myth. Then, needing to lighten the…