CHEYENNE, WY— Liz Cheney, known for her keen ability to read a room, is offering to pose for Maxim Magazine following her narrow, 86-point primary defeat last night.
“I poured my life into representing the stupid Republicans of Wyoming, and this is how these idiots repay my generosity?” Cheney eloquently shrieked to her dad’s friends after losing. “But you people haven’t seen the last of me! Like Lincoln, I vow to pose for Maxim. Those with subscriptions will forever know what Wyoming is missing. When you see me in a bikini, your eyeballs will never let you forget it.”
The salacious magazine, however, immediately released a statement stating they ‘would sooner print Bibles than feature that blonde moose.’ Maxim also mentioned there aren’t enough trees on Earth to produce the paper necessary for a Cheney centerfold.
But, using that classic Cheney persuasion and a loaded shotgun, Liz convinced the editors of Maxim to feature her.
“I’m going to paw at the camera like a rhino. I’m going to roll around like Liz’ The Lizard’, something I’ve only shown Adam Kinzinger,” she explained. “And somebody in Washington mumbled they promised to buy an issue if it was scratch-and-sniff.”
Update: After election results show Cheney lost by over 300,000 votes, she is demanding a recount.
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