SALT LAKE CITY, UT– Mitchell Demetrius Romney, fresh off torching a Walgreens with his BLM homies, approached the media Monday, claiming to have proof Fox News host, Tucker Carlson wants to prevent World War III. “I’m not gonna tell you my source for this because Adam Schiff said he would never speak to me again, but…
Category: Media & Tech
Tragic: 20-Year-Old Man Becomes Addicted To TCT
Like so many young men in America, Jake Ortiz of Stockton, California has become addicted to Tucker Carlson Tonight, or TCT, as it’s known on the streets. At first, Jake only dabbled with the dangerous content while at his uncle’s house. Then he started watching at home. Soon he was DVRing TCT and consuming every weeknight. “He…
Mark Zuckerberg Says Russia Has Not Yet Invaded Ukraine In The Metaverse
MENLO PARK, CA–In an effort to boost sales of his Oculus headset, Facebook CEO and all-around man’s man, Mark Zuckerberg is happily reporting that Russia has not yet invaded Ukraine within the Metaverse. “Nope. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the genders are a swappin’ in the Metaverse. The only war that’s happening in…
CNN: As Tucker's Ratings Continue To Climb, So Do Odds He Committed Sexual Assault
ATLANTA, GA–An interesting correlation was noticed by CNN on Thursday regarding Tucker Carlson. In their fascinating study, it seems the higher the Fox News star’s ratings climb, so do the odds that he committed horrifying sexual assaults. “The data speaks for itself,” CNN’s Brian Seltzer said holding up an Applebee’s menu, hoping people would assume…
Jeffrey Toobin Clarifies Comment On CNN Woes: ‘I Meant To Say It’s All Hands On Deck’
ATLANTA, GA–Jeffrey Toobin has been asked to clarify his comments regarding the impending collapse of CNN. “On Saturday I was asked how this network could survive the situation we find ourselves in. Nine FBI sex trafficking investigations, fourteen credible rape allegations, and I’m pretty sure the feds know the livestock on the tenth floor is not…