ATLANTA, GA–Jeffrey Toobin has been asked to clarify his comments regarding the impending collapse of CNN.
“On Saturday I was asked how this network could survive the situation we find ourselves in. Nine FBI sex trafficking investigations, fourteen credible rape allegations, and I’m pretty sure the feds know the livestock on the tenth floor is not a petting zoo,” Toobin softly said into the camera. “I then said the following statement: ‘This will be hard, but CNN can beat it if we have all hands on dick.’ That was wrong and I apologize. I meant to say all hands on deck. I was thinking about something else.”
Because all management at CNN is currently fired or behind bars, Toobin has not been reprimanded. So he offered to implement his own punishment.
“I think I need to spend the next few months working from home,” Toobin said. “I need to think about what I’ve done. I also need a strong internet connection and a black piece of tape to put over the camera on my laptop.”
Update: CNN’s Brian Stelter is furious that boss Jeff Zucker is no longer around to stop co-workers from calling him a potato. On Sunday, Stelter got so hot, CNN employees instinctively plopped a dollop of sour cream on his head.
Give Us Story Ideas
