SALT LAKE CITY, UT– Mitchell Demetrius Romney, fresh off torching a Walgreens with his BLM homies, approached the media Monday, claiming to have proof Fox News host, Tucker Carlson wants to prevent World War III.
“I’m not gonna tell you my source for this because Adam Schiff said he would never speak to me again, but I have binders packed with proof Tucker wants no part of a bloody worldwide war,” Romney muffled behind four masks. “It’s true, and Tulsi Gabbard is in on the whole thing too. They both say Americans shouldn’t die for this week’s war sponsored by T-Mobile.”
A frantic media began asking Romney questions but he angrily cut them off.
“Everyone, quiet! T-Mobile…Bring those you love closer with coverage you can trust,” he said. “What? I’m contractually obligated to say that. But anyway, yeah, Tucker is a total sell-out! Sort of like T-Mobile’s new iPhone13s. Get yours before they sell out too, folks.”
When Tucker Carlson heard Mitt’s accusation his expression became one of befuddlement. A look few can imagine on the cable host’s face.
“If Mitt Romney wanted to help send reinforcements to Ukraine, he could just send his immediate family to help fight, Tucker said. “The sheer volume would overwhelm the Russians.”
Update: Romney later replied that his twenty-nine nephews would fight in the war, but can’t because they’ve all recently accepted internships at Bitcoin.
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