Like so many young men in America, Jake Ortiz of Stockton, California has become addicted to Tucker Carlson Tonight, or TCT, as it’s known on the streets.
At first, Jake only dabbled with the dangerous content while at his uncle’s house. Then he started watching at home. Soon he was DVRing TCT and consuming every weeknight.
“He used to be such a good boy, but he’s gone now,” his mother said weeping. “Just the other day he staunchly rejected all of my pomposity and smugness. I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes in Hannity too.”
Devastated by Jake’s chronic consumption, his friends and family staged an intervention. But the troubled young man put up a fight, as many TCT addicts are notorious for.
“Our elites have told us watching Tucker Carlson Tonight is a grave sin, but did we ever stop to ask a simple question: Why? No seriously, tell me exactly why it’s a sin–and speak slowly, so I can understand” Jake quickly told his loved ones.
Substance abuse doctors are suggesting Jake wean himself off TCT by watching Neil Cavuto–the placebo of cable news. But like many Americans, around 4pm ETS Jake began vomiting and yelling obscenities at the sight of Neil.
At one point during the intervention, Jake went into the bathroom and began consuming the even more exotic Tucker Carlson Today on his iphone.
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