HARRISBURG, PA — In a recent debate, fairytale goblin John Fetterman squinted carefully and, with great focus, managed to say over 900 words. Unfortunately for his two dozen viewers, most of the words were in random order. Thankfully, the media has been working through the night to piece them all into their correct order. “Now,…
Category: Media & Tech
Report: Alex Jones Added To Most Homeschool Curriculums
CHICAGO, IL – “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Those were the five words teachers union president Randi Weingarten was heard muttering after a new report showed millions of frustrated parents retaliated against their school districts by adding an hour featuring Alex Jones to their homeschool curriculums. “After they closed our schools, we had no choice…
CNN Hires Dog To Make Sure They Aren’t Missing Any Racist Dog Whistles
ATLANTA, GA–On Tuesday, a 13-year-old professional dog whistle hearer was brought on to CNN’s airwaves to help identify any racist dog whistles the network may have missed. A yellow lab named Winston gingerly hopped up onto a chair next to Don Lemon. The dog was asked to carefully listen to the following clip of Governor, Ron…
Portland To Launch ‘Portland+’
PORTLAND, OR– On Monday, the city of Portland announced it would introduce a slightly more shitty replica of itself just outside the city limits. “We have acquired a large, family-friendly suburb of Beaverton that will soon be known as Portland+. But don’t you worry, we will be giving the people what they want: An exact…
Biden Calls Tucker Carlson ‘Taliban-Like’, Reflexively Gives Him $82 Billion In Military Equipment
WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama’s greatest skill as President was showering the Taliban with riches. But over the years, it seems someone with beady little eyes was watching his every move. That is why shortly after Joe Biden called Tucker Carlson ‘Taliban-like’ on his national address titled, Hitler? I Hardly Know Her, the fictional president impulsively sent $82 billion worth…