WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama’s greatest skill as President was showering the Taliban with riches. But over the years, it seems someone with beady little eyes was watching his every move.
That is why shortly after Joe Biden called Tucker Carlson ‘Taliban-like’ on his national address titled, Hitler? I Hardly Know Her, the fictional president impulsively sent $82 billion worth of military equipment over to the Carlson home.
The Fox News host, having never even ordered anything from Amazon, was baffled upon seeing a delivery.
“I understand our President is purely a tool for the criminally corrupt, but I demand to know what I’m supposed to do with half a million AR-15s, 2,439 Humvees, and 502 Apache helicopters! And speak slowly so I can understand exactly,” Tucker said in his driveway.
Following Biden’s decision, panic set in over at CNN’s headquarters.
“What have we done?” screamed Brian Stelter on his new podcast. “We have said a LOT of horrible lies about Tucker. A LOT! He’s going to bomb all you guys! And I just know he’s going to put an apple in my mouth and roast me like a suckling pig on a rotating stick! I always knew that’s how I’d go!”
Update: Tucker now hovers in a helicopter to gracefully fish over the Chesapeake Bay.
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