HARRISBURG, PA — In a recent debate, fairytale goblin John Fetterman squinted carefully and, with great focus, managed to say over 900 words. Unfortunately for his two dozen viewers, most of the words were in random order. Thankfully, the media has been working through the night to piece them all into their correct order.
“Now, there will be a little assembly required,” NBC’s Savannah Guthrie reminded her audience Wednesday morning. “But I think John probably said some breathtakingly brilliant things yesterday.”
Before being put in the correct order, Fetterman said the words: “Of course, I stand with New Jersey on the murderers! Yey murder! And I want eagles free! Understand?”
Yet after NBC properly organized, it was determined he actually said:
“I am a proud Democrat who can lead and unite our great nation in this time of need.”
Next, the pre-curated words Fetterman said were:
“Help… defeat Doctor Oct…topus. Turn Pennsylvania spaghetti toast! But altogether this time! So no house cat ain’t getting no billion dollars! Not ever!”
NBC then reported John Fetterman actually said:
“I stand for a woman’s right to choose. I will not rest until all women are treated with dignity and the respect they deserve. And ain’t no house cat getting no billion dollars. Not ever.”
It turns out NBC could only clean it up so much.
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