PORTLAND, OR– On Monday, the city of Portland announced it would introduce a slightly more shitty replica of itself just outside the city limits.
“We have acquired a large, family-friendly suburb of Beaverton that will soon be known as Portland+. But don’t you worry, we will be giving the people what they want: An exact carbon copy of Portland!” Mayor Ted Wheeler reassured. “That’s right, every single one of our laws will migrate over too. This will be easy because remember, we got rid of all those? And, get this— this extra Rose City will only be an additional 5.99% more in property taxes per month!”
After hearing this news, the city hall employees became so excited that champagne and hypodermic needles flew in the air with joy.
Just when it seemed like the public sector folks couldn’t get any more ecstatic, the Mayor pointed to a large screen and explained that a high-profile ‘sex icon’ celebrity would soon be zooming in to speak.
With a flash, Chris Wallace’s large, turtle-like face popped on the screen, and the crowd went berserk.
“Well, hello, gang!” he said over the cheering. “I just wanted to be the first to tell you that, after mustering all the wisdom I have in my brain, I decided TO MOVE TO PORTLAND+! It’s probably going to be the best, most longest-lasting city ever!”
Update: All the Beaverton residents had guns, resulting in Portland+ being dismantled in under eight minutes. Wallace, who somehow managed to sell his house in that small window of time, is now seeking shelter in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.
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