Manhattan, NY: Some quick three-dimensional chess by President Donald Trump has ended his legal trouble, authorities in New York confirmed. Hours after an indictment was scheduled for Trump, the Donald flew to the Big Apple and began smacking everyone with a crowbar. All charges were immediately dropped. “I hate that this had to happen, but yes,…
Category: Law
Sports On Hold Until LeBron James Teaches Police How To Do Their Job
LOS ANGELES, CA–It looks like all American sports are on hold until LeBron James can personally make the rounds to each precinct and tell the cops how to do their job. “I’m excellent at basketball so my friends tell me that means I’m excellent at law enforcement too,” LeBron explained to the LAPD. “And irregardless…
Ray Epps Added To January 6th Committee
WASHINGTON, DC — To give themselves an edge in the January 6th mystery, the crime-fighting committee (who demand to be called J6C-FORCE!) hired none other than Ray Epps several months ago. “I think everyone who called us stupid has a lot of explaining to do,” Liz Cheney said after announcing Epps to the team. “This man…
Paddle Boarder Arrested By Coastguard For Not Granting Them Pandemic Amnesty
MALIBU, CA — A paddle boarder was arrested after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean and grant them pandemic amnesty on Monday. County lifeguards were heard screaming to the young man via bullhorn, “It was the fog of COVID! How were we supposed to know you still had rights? So let’s just…
FBI Asks Antifa To Teach Concerned Parents How To Peacefully Protest
WASHINGTON, DC — Because our nation is currently enjoying a peace wave, the FBI had plenty of time to address the rising threat of suburban terrorists posing as soccer moms. These new terrorists are famous for standing in line and politely asking local school leaders to stop triple masking their children while showing them pornography.…