Manhattan, NY: Some quick three-dimensional chess by President Donald Trump has ended his legal trouble, authorities in New York confirmed.
Hours after an indictment was scheduled for Trump, the Donald flew to the Big Apple and began smacking everyone with a crowbar. All charges were immediately dropped.
“I hate that this had to happen, but yes, your favorite president had to open a can. They call it opening a can,” Trump said. “I watch a lotta baseball—A LOT. So I grabbed that crowbar like a bat and—you shoulda seen me. Many people are saying I looked like Mickey Mantle out there. Just smacking people. POW! SMACK! Was it a perfect homicide? I think so, but we’re looking into it.”
Legally speaking, it was a home run for Trump. New York authorities have confirmed the complete dismissal of any charges.
“It is true we were going to jail him on phony-baloney charges, but we have a new admiration from Trump after his rampage,” DA Alvin Bragg said. “I would encourage everyone to treat the former president like other New York area murderers. With love and respect.”
Update: The prosecution is back on after it was learned that the crowbar was rubber and that no one was killed. It’s also been discovered that it was not a crowbar but, rather, something taken from Lindsey Graham’s suitcase.
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