Newly released emails from Dr. Anthony Fauci show that none other than Kentucky Senator, Rand Paul is his biological father. After word leaked that BuzzFeed was going to randomly insert Fauci’s emails inside of a slideshow titled “17 Cats That Look Like Fried Chicken” congress scrambled to fly Maury Povich in to make the official announcement.…
Category: Health
Karaoke Nightmare: Man Sings Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’, Immediately Becomes A Woman
Every science textbook (published after 2019) teaches us that gender is so fluid, it’s wise to always have a mop and towel handy in case it spontaneously changes. Houston’s Alex Hathaway learned this the hard way on Saturday after he allowed his co-workers to pick his karaoke song. “They picked Shania Twain’s Man, I Feel…
Republicans Demand All Children Be Unmasked Except Greta Thunberg
Republican voters are demanding the unmasking of school children, but they’re willing to compromise. “If we must muzzle the face of a child, we offer Greta Thunberg as tribute,” concerned parent Melissa Perkins told Tucker Carlson. “We don’t believe the virus is especially dangerous to children, but we’d like to be extra careful with Greta.”…
CIA Recruitment Video Highlights First Knife-Wielding, Paranoid Schizophrenic, Pansexual Hire
By now you’ve seen the 2-minute CIA recruitment video featuring Nathan, the agency’s first-ever knife-wielding, paranoid schizophrenic, pansexual hire. “BlaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed Nathan in the inspiring video. “They’re listening to me right now! You’ll never find the Squirrel King!” As the video continued, the voice of John Brennan proudly described what the hire means to the…
Biden Inspires Confidence In Vaccine By Softly Weeping Over Misplacing His Mask For Five Seconds
Pfizer was not too happy with Joe Biden on Monday after he began softly weeping due to misplacing his trusty mask. Speaking at a ceremony intended to reduce vaccine hesitancy, a fully vaccinated Biden approached the podium and started to panic. “Oh, no. Son of a dog-faced pony, I can’t find my mask!” Biden screamed…